What do we know?

One or two memories ago, I fell in love. Butterflies in my belly, heads in the clouds. I promised forever, and I was promised the same, but what did we know? We make too many promises for people who don’t know so much.

I used to say that I would never cry for love and that my heart could never handle heartbreak, but what did I know? I did not know that love could break your heart in many unbelievable pieces but that your heart will always heal again. It doesn’t matter if there are scars that still hurt occasionally. Scars are reminders, not the absence of healing.

I once wrote my 5-year and 10-year plans on a sheet of paper. I said that by 24, I wanted two cars in my name — one for my mother and one for me. I also wanted to work in a reputable organization and have a beautiful man waiting for me at the end of the day in our home, but what did I know? I did not realize that sometimes, all you have at 25 is a good sense of humor, and even that is sometimes questionable (this is too specific, tsk)

When asked about the kind of person I was, I always replied that I was a good person. I didn’t hold grudges, was never jealous, and never hurt people, especially those I love. Silly me. What did I know? Over the years, I have held grudges, not because I wanted to but because sometimes it took time to process pain, process feelings, and dissect whether what I felt was hate, hurt, or both.

Sometimes, jealousy creeps up on me like a thief in the night and chokes me till all my emotions melt and pour out as tears. I have hurt people unintentionally and intentionally, especially those I love. I also realized that I am not exactly a good person. It’s a shocking realization that makes me even more grateful for salvation.

I think that even though we act really confident sometimes, we are still human in the end. We are treasures, but we are in jars of clay, this makes us frail. I think we really don’t know, and we mistake hope for knowledge, but it’s okay, I guess. Hope is better anyway.